Top (completely unsolicited) tips on having a baby

Sadie was very cross after
a tussle with a ventouse

This blog is prompted by a flurry of activity on the reproductive front among my friends and colleagues. It is totally unsolicited advice to brand new parents, so if you hate it, feel free to ignore at will!

I have now been a mum for five years. I love my kids enormously, but I found the whole experience a total mind-melt. Never one to read a manual, I largely avoided the baby books. And so without any input from Penelope Leach, Gina Ford, Supernanny or Annabel Karmel, here's my top tips for having a baby:

How not to freak out when preparing for birth...

1. Birth is not like an exam, you can read up on it all you like, but it will probably turn out completely differently. Don't expect to ace it. Everyone has a different experience so if you get a baby at the end of the process, then you can congratulate yourself that you did it right.

How to stay sane with a newborn...

2. Be kind to yourself. As an English person, I am culturally programmed to Keep Calm and Carry on, but this can leave you utterly depressed once you have a baby, so I advise that you set your standards super low for the first 12 weeks. Some new mums sweep around London with make up on with a two week old - I would celebrate getting myself dressed with a 5 week old in the room. Don't judge yourself whichever end of the spectrum you sit.

3. Make friends slowly. Upon the arrival of your newborn, you will be thrust into a world of coffee mornings with a control group of 6-7 women roughly your age and demographic profile. But remember, your antenatal group are not your friends, they may well become lifelong pals, but currently they are just random women with babies with whom you discuss poo. Never get upset by stuff they say.

4. Your relationship will take a hammering - but it will recover. A baby will have a similar effect on your relationship as any major crisis like a redundancy or horrible illness might. It is likely to implode through stress and sleeplessness, but you will probably emerge the other side stronger. This could take four years. Try and go to the pub now and then if you can.

5. Ahhhh Routine. In the first 12 weeks of your babies life, you will feel desperate for control and to regain a semblance of your former life. As you get used to the little monster you may even feel that you are indeed on a trajectory "back to normal". Then teething will happen and you will slide back down the slippery slope to "abnormal". It is perhaps more helpful to think of your post baby life as "the new normal". Of course they will sleep through the night one day. But don't bank on getting back in full control of your life any time soon.

6. Ignore advice, take up offers of help. You are hormonal. You will get upset by things people say to you, and - as demonstrated by this blog - EVERYONE will offer you advice. Ignore anything that stings. Take up any offer of babysitting so you can shower, or cooking so you can eat.

So on that note - use or ignore my advice as you see fit. Enjoy your baby. They are great and they don't smell gorgeous like that forever!